Paradox of Guilt. Infidelity. 

Reoccurring dream of him with arms like twigs, thin enough to snap, blurred eyes and track marks. Limping after me down hotel corridor with vicious intent. Though when he catches up to me it evaporates and he is left lying on the floor starving, looking up at me like I have condemned him to a life of devastation as I tower over him. Three nights in the last week my dreams have been of that nature. It leaves me with a stomach like waves and holds hands with regret who has been sitting at my core. Always at the back of my mind. The paradox is this; I don’t feel right now that I deserve not to be suffering from what I have done. Part of me likes that I am getting some damage added to the existing remorse, sadness and loss as penance for fucking up so beautifully. A cutting reminder. But how does one ever stop this constant feeling of guilt? Does getting over the guilt mean forgiving yourself? I don’t want to forgive myself. Does this mean I will always feel guilty? If I ‘forgive’ myself is that undermining the act I committed? He is running around my unconscious and appearing by constant reminders daily. I want so badly to comfort him and by doing so myself too. Would that make it a selfish act? Could I ever do anything now that wouldn’t be a selfish act or is it doomed to play that part? I feel